I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
