wrigley field is MILF paradise
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
