please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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