I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize