Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
