For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
