Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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