my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
