Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize