my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
