I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
