nut hugger
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
