When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
