The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
