my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
