There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
