When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
