For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
