i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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