dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
