Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
