you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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