I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize