if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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