Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
