Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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