If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
you had me at cake vodka
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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