ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
accomplished twins. life is a go
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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