I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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