So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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