If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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