dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
