You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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