so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
