You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
