my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
