I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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