i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
