Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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