I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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