I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
