yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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