my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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