i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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