Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
