I bet he comes in French.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
