Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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