Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
