Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
