I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
