Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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