i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
