have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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