that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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