So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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