I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize