i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
