I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
