If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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